How to Survive: Mosquito Season

Dodge those pesky flying monsters

by Nicole Chia | Mon, June 12, 2017

Ah, summer! Just as the winter weather is far behind us, we have much to look forward to: flowers, sunny skies, warm temperatures and relatively good air. But the one thing that heralds in the summer along with the wet season is mosquitoes.

Scientists have noted that mosquitoes really serve no purpose in the world – if you were to remove them from the planet no ecosystems would be greatly affected. And yet here they are, about to show up in droves to suck your blood, drive you generally insane, and be otherwise useless. But don’t worry, we have your back! Here is how to survive mosquito season in Shanghai.

1. Ever noticed that mosquitoes tend to bite some people more than others? This is because they are keenly attracted to smell – which you can note to your annoying friend who NEVER gets mosquito bites. One smell that mosquitoes really don’t like is garlic, so start loading yourself up with it. Put it in your morning smoothie, cook with it in all of your meals, rub it all over your skin as a deodorant; the sky is the limit! Sure, you may become a social pariah but you won’t be an itchy social pariah! Also, you won’t get attacked by a vampire – that’s an added bonus.

2. Go to the fabric market and commission yourself some full length linen jumpsuits complete with a hood and drawstring, pulled tight to keep them off your head. The linen fabric will help to keep you cool as the weather heats up while the full body coverage will be a major deterrent to keeping those mosquitoes at bay. You can also commission the same outfit for night-time use! That way you won’t get bitten once the sun goes down, AND it’s an innovative form of birth control.

3. Bulk buy spray cans of mosquito repellent and use it liberally on all members of the family. Sure, your kids may cry that their eyes are burning, or that they can’t get the taste out of their mouths, but they’ll also smell like sweet, sweet citronella and won’t have itchy bites. They may, however, be greasy and slippery but that’s a fair trade-off.

4. Book a ticket ASAP to get out of the city as fast as possible. Go to a nice part of the world where mosquitoes don’t exist – like Antarctica. Penguins are way better than mosquitoes anyway. Stay there for the duration of the summer until someone gives you the go-ahead that mosquito season has finally tapered off. Just kidding! It NEVER tapers off!

No matter what you do chances are you will never be able to avoid the mosquitoes that are about to descend upon our city like one of the Ten Plagues of Egypt. The best you can do is be vigilant, stock up on repellent spray, nets from IKEA, and buy one of those bug-zapping tennis rackets. Sure, you’ll still probably get bitten – but not before you take down some of those suckers Serena Williams style!