How to Survive: Getting the Kids to School in 4 Steps

How to get your little ones out the door with vocal chords intact

by Nicole Chia | Wed, September 13, 2017

There is nothing like the sweet freedom of bidding your kids farewell at the bus stop or their classroom door. Seeing those happy smiles and waves goodbye is your reward for all of the insanity you just lived through in the last hour wrestling them out of the house.

Persuading your kids to get ready for school is not an easy feat, but we might be able to help. Here’s how to survive getting “the best thing that ever happened to you” out the door and to school on time:

1. Invest in a fancy alarm clock for each kid

Alarm Clock

You can find many that screech to high heaven when it’s time to get up, rolling off the table and out of reach. This will entice your child to scramble out of bed, searching to find the blaring device so they can turn it off. This works only until you find your child snoozing on the floor of the bathroom with their fancy alarm clock buzzing away in the toilet. At this point, you can become your child’s personal alarm clock and start screeching about how expensive that fancy piece of equipment was, foreshadowing that they better get up and get dressed before they too end up in the toilet.

2. Go downstairs and brew some nice ginger tea with a little bit of brown sugar in it

Ginger Tea

That way you’ll get a sweet sugar buzz while the spicy root soothes your throat for the inevitable screaming of, “GET YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GET OVER HERE FOR BREAKFAST NOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT OF BED AND GET OVER HERE! IS NO ONE LISTENING? PUT YOUR PANTS ON!” We wish we could give you a tip on how to survive your own screaming but honestly, this is all part of the process and you will never escape it. Instead, embrace it because every parent out there is doing the same thing that morning. Just make sure to prep beforehand so that you can last another day.

3. Forget about all those Pinterest tips

Cereal

You know, the ones telling you to make something creative and different each morning to get some food in your kids’ systems before shuffling out the door. They won’t eat that chia seed pudding you let sit overnight, so put it away. What do they like to eat? Chocolate cereal? Plain toast? Parent’s tears of frustration? Whatever it is, give that to them. Every day. Repetition is good. Take comfort in the fact that someone else is bound to feed them something nutritious before they go back to sleep. Your job for now is done.

4. Have some creative or fun way of getting your kids to the school bus or car

School boy

For the former, we recommend an IKEA trolley. Pop both kids onto it and deliver them to their educational transport, Kuaidi style. If you have a car, practice javelin throwing, pick up a kid and toss them in – they’ll love it! Even nudging your whining kids along with a pointy stick is acceptable as long as it gets the job done.

No matter what, know that you’re not alone screaming your head off every morning, running around wondering where the socks went or banging your head on the table when no one will eat. And although it may seem like a madhouse reset every 24 hours, rest assured that all of this is worth it to have a nice long break before 3pm, when it starts all over again. But by that time you may have already been day drinking, so who even cares?